Cabbage.

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My P2 student: (wistfully) I am the shortest in my class…

Me: (encouragingly) Never mind, next time you grow taller ok? Taller than me.

Student: Ok!
*resolute gleam in eye*
I ate cabbage today! (I’m-sure-it-will-work-look)

Me: uh…

Student helpfully adds: And spinach!! (“This-better-work, bitch” -look)

Back to reality!

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Byebye Japan – land of delightful food, polite repressed people, butt-kicking vending machines and butt-friendly warm toilet seats. Now to chiong for the final lap of FYP!

Kids say the cutest things.

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“我的数学老师没有来,我们最高兴的。因为她很凶,她喊的时候,会世界末日的!”

 

“I don’t know why the people working in office have so much stress. Got computer got aircon, walao I will be very happy.”

 

-My tuition kids.

I am really blessed.

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be the jam we know all the time k!

i like this awesome jam

dont be a weird jam

Thank you. I really need such reminders sometimes.

The Many Facets of Taboo Players

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Ever wanted to read people’s minds? Don’t have to be Jean Gray but playing Taboo really tells what kind of dark thoughts a person is harbouring within the deepest recesses of his/her mind. For example, repressed sexual thoughts.

Word: Eject

What Really Happened:

*points at Teck Wei i.e. wei-ge

After which Isabel gave various descriptions of what happens after consuming the little blue pill which I shall not pen down. Needless to say, we got that correct after screaming a whole truckload of unmentionable words.

And in Taboo you have to think in simple general terms, because obviously the person giving clues will try to make the kind of mental associations that everyone else will.

Prompt: The thing you eat for breakfast?
Response: Of course my jock of a roomie says: protein powder!

But kudos to him, because he was trying to distract the other team by giving nonsensical answers – which of course, he did with ease because spouting nonsense was after all one of his innate abilities. Allow me to quote another example.

Prompt: What do you fall on? Jerome: Your face.

Talking about mental associations, some people’s cognitive networks are really out of this world.

Prompt: female
Isabel: (amidst the shouting of a whole slew of other responses that made more sense) Xena!

Everyone went silent and threw judging looks in her dieection.

Well, no surprises where she got her manliness from.

(wants to end the post here but can’t get over it)

But seriously, Xena?! The only thing I knew about that series came from the advertisements shown during Power Rangers, and in those clips there’s always this warrior princess chick who was perpetually dressed in leather suits that were so tight they probably limited her boob growth, plus wielding this hugeass sword that was bigger than any of the swords the men in the show were wielding. It’s a good thing I’d read about fairy tales by then, otherwise I would have thought all princesses looked like that.

And then finally, there’s one more kind of Taboo player, like Shifang, who just keeps passing because he doesn’t know the meaning of the words.
(it happens to all of us at some point in time, just not in such..copious amounts.)

Expendables 2 is expendable.

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I haven’t cringed so much during a movie since Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and felt so bored during a movie since Zookeeper. Expendables 2 is the best of both worlds combined, and it’s supposed to be an R rated action movie but it’s so laughably bad it could pass off as a comedy.

If you’re worried about spoilers from reading this, don’t worry – there’s no plot to spoil in the first place.

But in case you ARE planning to watch the movie, you probably shouldn’t read on from this point.

What happens throughout the 120 minutes is basically:

man kena kidnapped.

men shoot guns.

man rescued.

man blackmails man into taking up a task.

men start task.

men shoot guns. (if it helps, now there’s a woman who joined)

good man die.

men angry.

good men shoot guns.

bad men die.

good men happy.

woman leaves.

man tries to be sad about woman but is happy as long as he gets to continue shooting guns.

Yup, that’s about it. And in a movie has no plot, having some eye candy helps. A LOT. Like in Ghost of Girlfriends Past, at least there’s Jennifer Garner and Emma Stone. And in Zookeeper there’s the animals. But Expendables 2 doesn’t even have the decency to provide eye candy, except a buncha testosterone-overcharged old men who make weak jokes and then laugh at their own weak jokes. It’s like what Schwarzenegger says at the end:

Stallone (referring to a plane that was given to them): That thing belongs in a museum.

Schwarzenegger: We all do.

And yep, the chick in the team was nothing to scream about:

Actually wait, I’m wrong – you probably feel like screaming after seeing her face in this poster.

And, the closest thing to an eye candy that is Liam Hemsworth gets killed early in the movie, forcing me to sit through the rest of the movie in sheer agony.

(In case you were unaware like me, this decent-looking dude is Thor’s i.e. Chris Hemsworth’s brother. Probably explains why.)

The only other decent-looking thing was probably Jason Statham who has a bit of this rugged feel yet doesn’t look like he overdosed on protein powder.

And if you thought this was the worst, just wait till you hear the lines! Ohh, the script is so awful that the movie would actually be better if it were was in some other language I didn’t understand (and no subtitles were provided).

Let me list a few examples (I actually had time to take notes because there was nothing worthwhile on the screen to miss anyway):

1. Hemsworth was explaining why he quit the army after 3 years, and it sounded like it was gonna be some decent sob story or touching explanation that led to him becoming disillusioned. He built up to the part where he’s supposed to reveal the last straw that made him pull the plug: his captain’s lackadaisical response caused him to lose his men, and to add fuel to the fire, upon returning to camp he found out that his captain killed the stray dog he adopted.

That’s right, the stray dog he adopted.

I mean with all due respect to stray dogs, (and it’s a good thing he adopted the stray dog – people should adopt more dogs, there’s too many of them poor uns on the streets) but I was waiting with bated breath for the breath-taking reason that changed the life perspective of this fine young man and then all I got was a dead stray dog. Imagine my disappointment.

2. OK then Hemsworth died (which to me was the cathartic release part of the film because there was nothing more to look forward to after that, and therefore the film should have ended there) then Stallone makes this absolutely tearjerker of an eulogy about “Why is it the ones who deserve to live, that want to live the most, die — and the ones that don’t deserve to live, keep on going”. After which nobody bothers to answer his question and Statham instead asks:

Statham: What’s the plan?

Stallone: Track ’em, find ’em, kill ’em.

Ok wow. Way to spoil the moment guys.

3. The gal in the team was feeling super bored in the middle of the night and gets up to talk to Stallone, in what supposedly looks like an emotional exchange where Stallone is going to pour his manly heart out and maybe shed some manly tears and then the gal is supposed to walk up, pat him and say “there, there” and then Stallone gives her a manly arm-around-the-shoulder and then they feel like their relationship has, to use the colloquial term, upped one level. Indeed, the gal starts out by asking about what he feels about the death of the sole eye candy in the film Hemsworth’s character, and I brace myself for the aforementioned emotional exchange. But no, this is Expendables 2, so of course none of that happens. Instead,

Nan Yu (the gal): Do you think about him?

Stallone: I think about him all the time.

OK, that has to be the gayest thing his character has ever said. I stop myself from picturing a cross-gen relationship between the two dudes, and continue watching. Nan Yu asks him something about how he is dealing with all this, to which he replies,

Stallone: We (men) keep it light until it’s time to go dark, and then we get pitchblack. Do you understand?

Nan Yu: (looks at him meaningfully) Yes, I do.

After which, she proceeds to walk away and go back to sleep.

I almost wanted to spit the bubble from my bubble tea at the screen. GET BACK HERE WOMAN. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN AND YOU’RE NOT SLEEPING TILL I DO.

4. There’s this part where the team first meets Chuck Norris, and asks him about the rumour that he was bitten by a king cobra. This is his reply:

Norris: Yeah, but after several days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

You know, it’d have been funnier if they didn’t laugh at their own movie references.

5. And if you think the “final showdown” would be better, no it doesn’t.

Stallone and Van Damme the antagonist face off, with the latter asking the former something about wanting to “fight like a man or sheep“. Apparently sheep hold guns and missiles because Stallone decides he wants to fight like a man and drops all his weapons. The reason he gives is that he wants to “take you (Van Damme) alive”. And after exchange of some blows, Van Damme gets Stallone pinned in a corner, using Stallone’s knife, and proclaims with a philosophical air:

Van Damme: Ironic, here we are, me and your knife.

No it isn’t ironic, and I don’t think you know the meaning of irony. But never mind. Stallone then proceeds to turn the tables, and after all that talk about fighting like a man and wanting him alive, decides to stab Van Damme like a sheep.

What a waste of my $11.

Ageist.

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I have been teaching tuition for four consecutive days now, and tomorrow is the last before my student takes his PSLE oral exam. It feels quite tiring but his occasional nonsense answers brighten me up a bit, at least after I finish facepalming.

Me (reads): 图中乐于助人的行为包括:帮盲人过马路 (Types of helping behaviour in pictures include: helping the blind cross the road)

Him: What is 盲人?

Me: Blind people. So if you see someone in the picture helping a blind person or someone disabled, you can give praise.

Him: So I can praise them if they help old people also lah.

Me: Old people are different from disabled people but yes, you can.

Him: Why different? Old people and disabled people same what, they both walk very slow.

Conversation topic on helping people:

Me: 说一说你帮过人的一次经验。(Talk about a time when you offered assistance to someone)

Him: (talks about helping some fictional old lady carry her stuff across the road)

Me: 为什么你会想要帮那位老婆婆?(What made you want to help that old lady?)

Him: 因为老婆婆很老。(Because the old lady very old.)

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