From a FB note I read. My personal favourites are no. 5 and no. 8!

1. OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

2. SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. (within 5 minutes)

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need. (in 5 hours)

 

3. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  

4. HAPPINESS

 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. (it’s futile anyway)

  

5. LONGEVITY

 Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

6. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

 

7. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUES

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

8. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.